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I’m just saying like I could wear two inch heels every day too but I don’t feel the need to constantly be 5’9”

to be fair my advisor’s concern is that my ideas on artworks about fandom are not mature enough for a strong thesis and I do not think they genuinely think my ideas are to be dismissed but I still do bristle a bit at how rapidly the idea was swept aside

dumb thing 2: my mother telling me that I’m “full of myself” for putting my signature at the end of a video I created

oh my god

the arrogance

of taking credit

for a thing

I did

in the internet age where people constantly erase the source of a work

a source that could provide you further exposure and work



other things I’m pissed about: my advisor telling me not to use “it’s a cultural thing!” as an excuse for my shyness



of my shyness has any goddamn thing to do with being chinese american

like why would you even assume that

one thing that bothers me a lot is that whenever I become angry or anxious or otherwise emotionally unbalanced, I take it out on myself

like all of the virulent mental energy I’ve ever had has been turned inward

(this mostly has to do with the fact that I lived in an environment where the consequences of externally expressing such a thing would have endangered me)

and objectively this is less bad than externally expressing it because fewer people are tangibly hurt in the process but at the same time it’s deeply unfair to me

and I also think that as a society we are much more tolerant when boys are angry and turn to external expressions of their frustration

and it’s not like I’m saying that I wish I could run rampant hurting people and have that be accepted and validated

but for example one of the first times I actually tried to express anger in an open way was when I made Bovid Guide this summer

and granted it is a problematic as an artwork because it does not entirely succeed in its own terms and you could argue that it’s not a very “deep” piece because it really only has one reading that is blighted by how angry it is but

isn’t that exactly the point

and I feel like a lot of the response I got to it was along the lines of “but girls shouldn’t get this angry about the minor infractions of men” and I think at least a few people seemed taken aback partly because it’s probably not very “becoming” for someone to do that

but then I think, I didn’t hurt myself in the process of being angry, for once. I actively channeled it into created a series of beautiful drawings (and yes, I am proud of their quality as drawings - they were done with no compositional planning, no underdrawings. It was just straight marker to paper, and if you draw, you know that takes balls, or at least a very good handle on your medium) that express a point with far more finesse and articulateness than most angry people are capable of. Yet I felt that in the way people reacted it was as if I had done something tantamount to outright violence.

and having seen firsthand how toxic celebrity worship is and how redeeming fandom can be, and feeling that I can contribute to or begin a cultural conversation through this with my art (art, which is a fundamentally constructive medium even when it engages in critique because it is a discipline that involves the production of considered objects), I wanted to make work this year about fandom for my thesis

and I got laughed at in my face for it (by a woman no less)

who told me that it was dangerous that I would say that I wanted to “condemn” a culture that perpetuates celebrity worship through my art

that those kinds of value judgments are “too strong”

and I really honestly wonder if my ideas would have been taken more seriously if I was a boy who raised those same objections

but I am really tired of being the one who has the be the casualty for my own thoughts and feelings and even to this day I think my thoughts have to come in a neat and respectable package like a “work of art” for them to be taken seriously which is truly a little bit absurd

but who expects that level of passion and conviction out of a demure little asian girl

also just out of curiosity

I’ve never tried to censor myself in terms of tone or content in this blog and I sometimes wonder if a random person who came across my writing would see it and think “damn that person is anxious”

because a lot of the time it feels that way when I write

I am mostly okay coping with my anxiety my monitoring by thought patterns and stopping myself before I get into really negative behavioral cycles but sometimes when it gets really bad I’m just like…there is maybe an appropriate time to be medicated

but in principle I don’t like the idea of doing that because I feel like my anxiety is a result of once being in an environment where the anxiety was in fact adaptive and helped me monitor minutiae that could help me prevent certain kinds of physical and mental abuse and since I am no longer in that environment it is definitely no longer adaptive because it prevents me from doing basic things that would make me a more socially fulfilled human

and I’m kind of afraid that if I simply used medication to deal with the sensation of anxiety I might still never learn to dissociate normal human environments with intense amounts of fear

idk fun fact sometimes I feel like a developmental psychology study gone wrong!!!!